Wait, wait. There’s been a mistake. Dakota Johnson, your Arch Digest video won Best Picture.
Hi babes! How are you? Bad? Yeah, that tracks.
Please Welcome Five-Time Oscar Nominee, Spana Kopita Parker
(I call dibs on SKP as a drag name)
I’m obsessed with the Oscars, and awards shows at large. I know that for the most part they’re meaningless and corrupt and only seem to honor projects with the budget for an FYC campaign—and yet, somehow, I continue to salivate at the mere thought of five women waiting for Brad Pitt to announce whose movie had the biggest PR team that year. (Elephant in the room: Meryl Streep should have won in 2007 for The Devil Wears Prada, paving the way for Rooney Mara to take it home in 2012 for The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo.)
I listen to Awards prognostication podcasts year-round—Vanity Fair’s ‘Little Gold Men’ is my favorite (shoutout to Richard Lawson, Katey Rich, and Joanna Robinson)! I supplement their weekly programming with IndieWire’s‘Screen Talk’ and Entertainment Weekly’s ‘The Awardist.’ It’s honestly become something of an emotional support animal to me (I’ll confess, my deep fixation really reached new heights when Gaga crossed into the conversation with A Star Is Born. Justice for Jackson Maine’s swinging cock!)I watch all the precursor shows—the SAGs were an exciting night a few weeks back, as were the Critics’ Choice, and even the horribly corrupt Golden Globes and Grammys are still fun viewing to me.
So, yeah, I’ve got a pretty good sense of where the races are at this year. And what a year it’s been! I actually think the 2020-2021 Oscars journey is probably the most exciting narrative I’ve followed since paying close attention to these things. Normally, by the time the Dolby Theater lights up in February for the Academy Awards, most of the races are pretty much locked. Take last year, for example: Joaquin Phoenix, Renée Zellweger, Brad Pitt, and Laura Dern had all basically swept every major precursor awards show leading up to the big night, and so their wins were not at all surprising for anyone keeping tabs. Of course, last year isn’t the perfect example, as Parasite (rightfully) shocked by sweeping Picture, Director, Original Screenplay, International Feature, Production Design, and Editing. Still, in general, the show tends to be somewhat predictable if you care to analyze the data.
But this year is different. Because of the pandemic, and the lack of in-person schmoozing, and all of us stuck at home either smoking pot, jerking off, watching movies, or all three at once, there’s a fascinating democratization of the process happening, where many more people are able to see the awardsy titles but many less opportunities are presented for campaigns to market their films to the finish line. And the precursor awards have been all over the place. So in the two most important categories, at least (Best Actress and Best Supporting Actress), the field is truly wide open and entirely unpredictable for the first time in forever (Elsa, please, I know you’re in there, hurry up I need to poop).
Let’s take a look category-by-category, shall we, cutie?
Best Picture
Who Will Win: Nomadland.
Who Should Win: Nomadland or Minari.
Where’s Her Nom? Shiva Baby, Let Them All Talk, Ma Rainey’s Black Bottom, One Night In Miami…
While I’ve Got You Here, Justice For: Legally Blonde (2001), Matilda (1996), Shrek 2 (2004), Stranger By The Lake (2013), The Parent Trap (1998), The Diary of a Teenage Girl (2015), All About My Mother (1999), The Farewell (2019), To Die For (1995), Force Majeure (2014)
Even if you don’t really care about the Oscars, I would be surprised if you hadn’t picked up on the buzz around Chloé Zhao’s Nomadland. It’s a beautiful, emotional film, and absolutely deserves the praise.
Now, listen. I know Shiva Baby doesn’t qualify for this year’s Oscars (films had to be released between January 1, 2020 and February 28, 2021 to be eligible for this year’s ceremony). BUT I just saw writer/director Emma Seligman’s feature debut at the Quad cinema in Manhattan, and I was ABSOLUTELY BLOWN AWAY. I declare star Rachel Sennott to be the deserving frontrunner of next year’s race, while Seligman should be lauded for her screenplay and directing.
Best Actress
Who Will Win: Carey Mulligan, Viola Davis, or Andra Day
Who Should Win: I’m really torn. I’d be happy with Mulligan, Davis, or Day.
Where’s Her Nom? Meryl Streep (Let Them All Talk), Sydney Flanigan (Never, Rarely, Sometimes, Always), Han Ye-Ri (Minari)
While I’ve Got You Here, Justice For: Reese Witherspoon in Legally Blonde (2001)? Only the most important performance of the century. Maggie Cheung in In The Mood For Love (2000), Elisabeth Moss in Her Smell (2018), Lindsay Lohan in The Parent Trap (1998)
It truly could go so many ways this year: Carey Mulligan’s showstopping turn as a wounded woman seeking revenge won her the Critics’ Choice. She’s fantastic in this, and overdue, as I personally feel she should already have an Oscar for An Education (2009). Viola Davis I feel has been grossly underappreciated this year for her obliterating work in Ma Rainey, though fresh off a SAG win, she now feels neck and neck with Ms. Mulligan. And Andra Day won the Globe for portraying the titular singer in The United States Vs. Billie Holiday, where she is absolutely sensational and does her own singing. AND Frances McDormand just picked up the BAFTA! Hmm. I’m so happy to be so uncertain.
Best Actor
Who Will Win: Chadwick Boseman
Who Should Win: Boseman, Steven Yeun, or Riz Ahmed
While I’ve Got You Here: Timothée should have won for Call Me By Your Name (2017) over fucking Gary Oldman. The fact that (*Sarah Michelle Gellar in Sex and the City voice*) M*tthew M*Conaughey won over Chiwetel Ejiofor in 2014 is absurd and disgusting. Bradley Cooper should have won for A Star Is Born (2018). John Early should have an Oscar by now.
Here’s the thing: Chadwick Boseman’s performance in Ma Rainey’s Black Bottom is nothing short of earth-shattering. So, while this race has been a foregone conclusion for some time, it just doesn’t matter because it’s so, so deserved.
That said, Riz Ahmed and Steven Yeun both gave absolutely incredible performances this year as well, and both deserved to have Oscars of their own yesterday.
That said, Riz and Steven are both in my top 5 most f*ckable celebrity crushes of all time, so… if anyone has the connect, please don’t hesitate to reach out.
Gary Oldman, just fuck off. I’m sorry, Sirius, but just fuck off. (I did love Francis Ford Coppola’s Bram Stoker’s Dracula (1992)).
Best Supporting Actress
Who Will Win: Youn You-Jung (Minari)
Who Should Win: Youn You-Jung or Maria Bakalova (Borat Subsequent Moviefilm)
Where’s Her Nom? Candace Bergen (Let Them All Talk), Tiffany Haddish (Bad Trip), Dianne Wiest (I Care A Lot), Gemma Chan (Let Them All Talk), Talia Ryder (Never, Rarely, Sometimes Always)
Justice For: Tiffany Haddish in Girls Trip (2017), JLo in Hustlers (2019), Pam Ferris in Matilda (1996), Jennifer Saunders in Shrek 2 (2004), Zhao Shu-Zhen in The Farewell (2019), Anna Faris in Just Friends (2005)
Best Supporting Actor
Who Will Win: Daniel Kaluuya (Judas and the Black Messiah)
Who Should Win: Daniel Kaluuya—go watch his SNL episode!
Where’s Her Nom? Alan Kim (Minari)
Justice For: Joe Manganiello in Magic Mike: XXL (2015)
Best Original Screenplay
I hope it goes to Minari, but I think it might go to Promising Young Woman, and while I think there are some clunky chunks to the latter, I think writer/director/The Crown cast member Emerald Fennell would give a juicy acceptance speech.
Best Adapted Screenplay
Give it to The Father. The way that movie is structured is nothing short of brilliant.
Some Things I Hope Happen At This Year’s Ceremony:
Steven Yeun and Riz Ahmed present Best Cinematography, and do a bit where they’re both sopping wet and slowly start peeling each other’s shirts off of each other, and then start making out and sucking each other’s nipples.
Brad Pitt does a striptease during the In Memoriam segment to help keep things light.
Gaga and Adam Driver sing Take Me Or Leave Me in a pre-taped segment from the streets of Rome.
The Oscar for Best Adapted Screenplay goes to Matilda (1996), 25 years later.
There’s a real audience, and everyone is so excited to be together they get absolutely wasted, and during an acceptance speech for one of the extremely bad movies (Mank) someone pulls a Kanye and stumbles onstage to interrupt the speech—could be a fun moment for the octopus from My Octopus Teacher?
Cocktails Over The Country Club
I bought tickets to Vanity Fair’s Cocktail Hour Live!, a three-night event they’ve put together featuring a truly star-studded lineup of conversations, games, and panels in lieu of their traditional famous annual Oscars party.
In case you didn’t hear me say star-studded: Kathryn Hahn talking to Judith Light, a Glenn Close costume retrospective, Ziwe talking to Shaka King, Paris Hilton, Andra Day, Laura Dern, Serena Williams, Michael B. Jordan, Maya Rudolph and HAIM battling The Lonely Island in trivia… and a lot more! No, I’m not getting paid to plug this event, but you can still buy tickets to watch the conversations until April 22. And a “portion of ticket-sale proceeds [are] donated to the Motion Picture & Television Fund (MPTF) to help support COVID-19 relief efforts.”
There Were Twinks When The Wind Was So Cold
To circle back to Troye Sivan’s AD video, I do hope you found the time this week to see him share this peekaboo thong moment on Instagram.
Between this and the Call Me By Your Name video, it’s safe to say the twink and twunk communities are thriving once more. Nature is healing and all that jazz.
I hope you’ve been entertained by this brief Oscars overview—I actually really enjoyed this year’s crop of nominees. I recommend seeing all of them except for Mank, which was so bad I couldn’t even finish it, and maybe Trial of the Chicago 7, which was fine but pretty boring. Stay tuned for my upcoming definitive list of the Most Important Performances of All Time. Chao, bitch!
If you can spare anything, join me in donating to Families Supporting Families Against Police Violence, and continue to condemn the White Supremacist, murderous police. ACAB! Also, I’m reading Angela Davis’ Are Prisons Obsolete?, which I’m finding to be an extremely helpful text in understanding the absolute need for abolition of both the police and prisons.