Dawn of A New Era (Jessica Parker)
Dawn of A New Era (Jessica Parker)
Hi queenies.
Bob Dylan once said “The times, they are a-changin.’” Little did the future-Timothée-Chalamet-Oscar-vehicle know how prescient his melodic growls would be: for, yes, the times are a-changin’ at last (I got a job).
But First, A Decades-Long Narrative Arrives At Its Inevitable Conclusion
In the words of my friend and former colleague Rose Dommu: the prophecy is fulfilled.
As of January 20, 2022, I am officially a person who appears onscreen in the Sex and the City cinematic universe.
I’d previously teased that I appeared as an extra on a TV show, but couldn’t say more, having signed an NDA. Well, the episode is finally live, and against all odds (being #237 on the call sheet of LGBTs hired to attend a faux ‘queer rights’ rally/ Che Diaz comedy concert) the front and back of my head is clearly visible behind a terse scene between Cynthia Nixon and Sara Ramirez in episode #08, “Bewitched, Bothered, and Bewildered,” at approximately 5 minutes and 6 seconds in. We did it, Joe, Vapid Whore hive eating, etc. Despite the creative team’s best efforts, I am a cast member of And Just Like That. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it.
Of course, And Just Like That concludes its first season on Thursday, which signals the abolition of the one thing tethering me to this plane of existence. I’m terrified.
The Book of Job
“So, what do you do?” We’ve all heard this infamous question/ hateful language before. For [redacted] months, I’ve walked these city streets carrying a fear in my heart, a fear of being asked that disgusting query. Well, now, for awards season, at least, I needn’t fear the humiliation of coming up with a spontaneous sixteen-count song-and-dance routine to divert the asker’s attention when posited that hurtful interrogation. No, now I can reply with elegant superiority: “I’m an Assistant Awards Editor for The Hollywood Reporter. Heard of it, bitch?”
I now embrace capitalism. I now throw my troubled past into the wind like Jennifer Coolidge wished to do with her mother’s ashes in The White Lotus. I twirl down the sidewalk (fart into my couch) as I trill gleefully of my freedom.
In all earnestness, it’s been really great so far — if you’re so inclined, check out this conversation I moderated between Javier Bardem (more on that later) and Lucie Arnaz, the real-life daughter of Desi Arnaz and Lucille Ball, for Being the Ricardos. You can also check out my conversation with that film’s composer, Daniel Pemberton, who also did the music for the legendary British comedy series Peep Show. Or read my talk with Coming 2 America costume designer and Oscar winner Ruth E. Carter. Still not satisfied that I’m actually working again? Read my conversation with Jenna Ortega for InStyle, or keep your eyes peeled for an exciting chat coming soon to Paper.
Euphornya
With that business out of the way, we now turn to our regularly scheduled programming: salivating over HBO programming.
Euphoria has the best cinematography on any show of the past several years, hands-down (a gay guy once told me it is second only to Game of Thrones in terms of the price HBO paid to make it). There are a few characters I would like to single out:
Hunter Schafer (as Jules) is the most gorgeous person ever to exist… me want to be her.
Alexa Demie (as Maddy) is the funniest person alive (would kill at the Bell House) and also the most glamorous/ was serving c*** on the voyage of the Mayflower.
Sydney Sweeney has the best tits in the business and will go on to have a Meryl-level acting career—imagine her Kramer vs. Kramer serve.
It is of the utmost importance that Jacob Elordi and Eric Dane, in character as son and father, report to my apartment in Greenpoint immediately to engage in an incestual threesome with a young frizzly-haired woman looking for transcendence.
I’m worried for Mrs. Zendaya… Rue’s life is in jeopardy (not the trans-affirming game show), mefears.
Most importantly, there was the issue of her: Angus Cloud, the king, the prophet, the sex god, the gentle giant of cinema. He plays the affable drug dealer Fez, and was discovered for the role, I learned via Wikipedia, when a casting director found him working at a chicken-and-waffles joint near the Barclays center. Fury at not being cast off of my turn as lovably-apathetic Clinton Hill barista aside, I’m happy for Cloud’s (by the way — Angus Cloud — there literally is no better Sim name than that) rags-to-riches breakthrough. He has the most beautiful sparkling eyes and heartwarming smile in the industry, and is destined to enter a seven-year-long relationship with me in which he teaches me about lovemaking, living off the land, and how to roll a perfect joint.
It is also incredibly important to note that Cloud is an And Just Like That fan, as evidenced by a comment he made (“And just like that…”) on a post from an account dubiously titled “Hbomaxpop.” He is the hottest, most important male artist working today. Do the work and help get him cast on The White Lotus season 2.
Sundancing at Lughnasa
My friend Cole Doman starred in a beautiful short film at this year’s Sundance festival called Starfuckers. It’s directed by and co-stars Antonio Marziale, and it’s truly sensational. If you can get your hands on a screening link, your gay little head will be blown off into the atmosphere. The film is headed to Berlin next - scream!
Using Cole’s login, I was able to see two other films at this year’s Sundance: Lena Dunham’s Sharp Stick and Jamie Dack’s Palm Trees and Power Lines, some of the worst and best movies I have ever seen, respectively.
We all know I’m a huge Lena Dunham apologist—Girls may just be the greatest piece of art ever conceived in history, and I loved her book, Not That Kind of Girl. But babe. Sharp Stick… I’m literally speechless. I don’t know what to say. It was so so so bad, even a blind loyalist like myself had to throw in the towel. Palm Trees and Power Lines, however, was absolutely gripping, hot, and gorgeous to look at, with a breathtaking lead performance from actress Lily McInerny. It’s interesting, as both films fall into one of my favorite cinematic genres: younger girl enters relationship with older man (go watch Fish Tank and The Diary of a Teenage Girl).
The Other Boleyn Thoughts
Lana has a new song out on last week’s Euphoria, “Watercolor Eyes.” Things really are finally working out, huh?
Javier Bardem is the hottest man of all time (it’s important to be able to hold two equal and opposing truths in each hand), particularly in one of his breakout roles in the 1992 erotic drama Jamón Jamón, directed by Bigas Luna and co-starring his future wife, Penélope Cruz, whose nipples he does suck in the film to incredible dramatic poignance.
Las Culturistas is slaying as usual — their episode “She Suffered… And Is Still That Girl” particularly took me out, especially as they paid tribute to the suffering done by Reese Witherspoon’s Morning Show character Bradley Jackson. Another podcast I recently discovered is Every Outfit, from the people who created Every Outfit on Sex and the City. It’s fun, bitchy, and voices some of the understandable concerns surrounding the well-being of Miranda Hobbes.
I really wanted to include some recently captured film photos in this post, but the development place in Greenpoint has been closed for, like, two weeks. Praying for them.
This tweet about La Roux’s “Bulletproof” really struck a nerve, huh…
I’m trying very hard to find a therapist and psychiatrist that accepts Medicaid… as is the case for most everyone on both And Just Like That and Euphoria, it’s time. Send along your girlies if you’ve got ‘em.
All for now, folks, I have work to do (being a huge bitch).