The Oscars are an SSRI to me. I’m obsessed with them, I think about them all the time, they calm and stabilize me. I listen to podcasts about them where pundits proffer predictions multiple times a week, gulping them down as soon as they become available to stream. In fact, I’m listening to one right now as I type, which makes it kind of hard to focus on typing the words I’m intending to say as opposed to the ones I’m I like Michael Cera in a lot of things hearing. I’ve taken my AirPods out in order to focus. I’m crunching on some Gardettos and allowing the raindrops that soaked me during my venture to CVS trickle down my neck. I’m here with an emergency blast to talk about this year’s Oscars categories. There’s a reason I worked at The Hollywood Reporter as an Associate Awards Editor — by the way, I wrote this really cruntastic piece about queers and the Oscars in the final days before my layoff, give it a read sometime. I know what I’m talking about with this stuff, mainly because I listen to what these podcasters have to say and then synthesize that with my coping mechanism of killing The Hours by spending time at the cinema multiple times per week. So, anyway, I just wanted to say what I think should win at the Oscars, what will probably win, and any other thought that crops up as I go. Without further ado, except to say yaaaaaay it’s about to be the Oscars, here’s um what I think.
Best Picture
Should win:
Poor Things. Holy shit, this was the best movie of the year by miles if you ask me. Emma Stoners rise up and smoke a blunt — she has always been sensational, and her La La Land win was incredibly deserved, and I listen to “Mia & Sebastian’s Theme” almost every day while I stand on train platforms, being possessed by the wistful spirit of Keira Knightley, but her performance here as a reanimated corpse with a baby’s brain is one of the funniest, most inspiring, life-affirming invigorating things I’ve ever seen. Not to mention I basically look like her and would look crunted with that wig, and all of her outfits are things I legit need to wear. Ok but we will get to all of that, the writing, the direction, the production design, the score, the supporting performances (besides Jerrod Carmichael, sorry) are all unbeatable, no question, this should win Best Picture…
Will win:
… yet it won’t, because Oppenheimer is going to, which I guess I just got way too stoned for beforehand, but I literally did not click with this thing at all, except in the sense that it was nice to sit in a movie theater on Barbenheimer day and be part of this monocultural double feature decision. We saw Oppenheimer in the early afternoon in the second row, and I was obliterated on edibles and joints, and I felt weird during the whole movie, like it was glorifying the man who made Hiroshima possible, which I still can’t really tell if it was or not, and that’s on me… but also, at the end I was like, “Is that Albert Einstein?” when this guy dressed like Albert Einstein was suddenly staring out into a pond. And I don’t remember Robert Downey Jr. being in it at all, I mean literally at all. And he’s definitely winning Supporting Actor, which is so weird. I don’t believe he was even in this movie. And apparently Emily Blunt had a good scene but I must have been in the bathroom for that, which I basically just went to to give myself a much-needed intermission… Yeah, I hated Oppenheimer. A lot of people whom I respect seem to like it. But no. Try and conjure up the sound of an obnoxious buzzer in your head. Pass. Poop. Goodbye.
Best Actress
Should win:
Catalina Saavedra. All righty, so, she’s in Sebastián Silva’s Rotting in the Sun, which was the surprise knockout of the year for me. I went into it skeptical and left thinking it was probably my second favorite movie of the season. Saavedra gives a staggering performance that could definitely be slotted as supporting but ultimately is lead to me, and I wanted to shake things up outside the two-hand race that this category really is, which is the Emma Stoners versus the Lily Gladstoners. Saavedra is not nominated here, and Rotting in the Sun is not nominated anywhere, but it’s a raunchy indie that was never going to be an Oscar contender realistically, so that’s no surprise, yet I have to shout this woman out. I don’t want to spoil anything, so just go watch Rotting and get back to me. I could have put Emma Stone here since she gives the performance of the year to me, but she already has an Oscar and yeah, this felt more interesting.
Will win:
Ultimately, I do think it will be Lily Gladstone for Killers of the Flower Moon, which she’s fabulous in (I hope the word choice of ‘fabulous’ doesn’t minimize the serious, guttural work she’s doing over the course of Martin Scorsese’s 3.5 hour heartbreaking epic). I’ll be happy when she does, because she’s really great in the movie and I do think her performance is deserving, and it would be a really special moment to see the first Native American actress to ever be nominated for Lead Actress win that trophy. Emma Stone is astounding and as I’ve said I do believe gives the performance of the year, and maybe of the past several years, but again, she’s already won, so I feel OK spreading the wealth.
Best Original Screenplay
Should win:
Hm… Anatomy of a Fall was great, and the writing is impeccable, but it’s really similar to The Staircase to be honest and ultimately I want to shout out a movie that wasn’t nominated that was really fabulous which is Fair Play. It’s this Netflix erotic thriller by Chloe Domont and it kind of just gagged me a bit to be honest. Oh, shit, but May December is nominated here, too, and I think it’s actually that movie’s only nom, so I’m going to go with that. LMAO.
Will win:
I’m going to put my money on Anatomy, which is also where my heart truly lies.
Best Actor
Should win:
Basically don’t care, which is why when I’m eventually nominated for a Lead Acting Oscar I’m going to probably submit myself in the male category, because I don’t want to take a spot away from an actress and I think it would be way easier to win against these men. Unless I’ve fully transitioned by then and I need to go girl to maintain that. Wait speaking of, I’m looking into laser hair removal for my face and it’s really expensive, anyone know the hack? But yeah, so, honestly, I couldn’t really think of a male performance that really invigorated me this year, except it would have been fabulous if Zac Efron was winning an Oscar, and even though I pretty much hated The Iron Claw he was really good in it and that’s who I would ultimately want to see getting up there. But of those nominated I think Paul Giamatti for The Holdovers was the best.
Will win:
Cillian Murphy as the titular Oppenheimer. I’ve already said this movie did not click for me on any level. He’s hot at least.
Best Adapted Screenplay
Should win:
Ok, so. I actually really liked Barbie, which I know ruffles several of my film snobby friends’ feathers. But there are really clunky chunks of the script that just feel preachy, and we all know where my loyalty truly lies: Poor Things. It’s hilarious and inventive and I haven’t read the source material but I’m sure was a beastly task to adapt. Poor Things Poor Things Poor Things.
Will win:
Ugh. Probably fuckin’ Oppenheimer. Although I think American Fiction is actually neck and neck for the crown, and reconsidering things that’s where I’m putting my money. I’m glad Killers of the Flower Moon was not nominated here — sorry, but I read the book and I think several of the choices made in the adaptation detracted from the potential of the narrative. Still liked the movie, but it could have been better adapted and could have certainly been shorter.
Best Supporting Actress
Should win: Favorite category alert. Da’Vine Joy Randolph is amazing in The Holdovers and will definitely be winning, but for originality’s sake let’s offer up Julianne Moore in May December. It’s fucking crazy she wasn’t nominated. I sadly haven’t had a chance to see Eileen yet but I can just feel the tingling sensation that Anne Hathaway was snubbed here as well.
Will win: Da’Vine Joy Randolph.
Best Supporting Actor
Should win:
I’m just going to say the thing you’re not supposed to say: I love you, but I love me more (if you don’t hear Samantha Jones’ voice in your head right now, burn in hell). What I’m trying to say is that Ryan Gosling should win for Barbie. He was so funny, like fuck you if you don’t agree, I’m sorry, he deserves it and he’s HOT. Mark Ruffalo is also eating in Poor Things, but ultimately is my second place here. Oh, and Charles Melton should have been nominated for May December.
Will win:
Robert Downey Jr. for Oppenheimer, which as I’ve said, I don’t believe that he’s even in that movie, and this is a perfect example of something that I HATE, when people are handed Oscars as a career achievement thing and not based on performance. Fuck off. He shouldn’t even be nominated. This is fucking stupid ass boring bullshit to me.
Costumes, Production Design, Makeup, Hair, Score
Should win:
Poor Things. The sets are truly the most amazing things captured on film this year. The costumes are my dream wardrobe. The hair and makeup is god smiling upon us. The score is the soundtrack of crunts who walk this earth.
Will win:
I think Poor Things will win Costumes, though I’d be happy for Barbie to. Basically same situation for Production Design. Makeup/hair I guess goes to Maestro because of the prosthetic situation? Score I guess I probably think goes to Poopandhimher.
Director
Should win:
Yorgos Lanthimos for Poor Things, though I’d be happy with Justine Triet for Anatomy of a Fall.
Will win:
Christopher No-lan. Noooo I’m sorry, he could’ve won for The Dark Knight but not this. Not this.
Cinematography
Should win:
This feels like a good place to honor Killers of the Flower Moon.
Will win:
Probably fucking Poopenheimer.
International Feature
Should/ will win:
The only one I saw was The Zone of Interest, which I get is groundbreaking and powerful but I really hated watching, even though that’s the point. So I guess I think that should and will win, but I didn’t see any of the others.
Editing
Should win:
Anatomy of a Fall.
Will win:
Oppenheimer.
Live Action Short
I had a live action short come out this year that I co-wrote and co-starred in. It’s called AC Unit. It failed to clinch the Oscar nom but that would be my pick TBH. Would also be happy if this went to the Nicole Kidman AMC stuff.
I don’t really care about the other categories or I didn’t see the nominees for them.
Goodnight!