Hi, divinity!
Much has transpired since I last wrote. Up front, I want to acknowledge that Lil Nas X’s new music video, “Montero (Call Me By Your Name)” is the hottest thing I have ever seen—Pornhub found scalped and dead in a ditch off of Highway 15. Lil, if Babbling On reaches you, as I’m sure it will, please consider this an official invite to star in my erotic thriller about seductress killer mertwinks, which I’ve written twelve pages of.
I’m nearing the end of my house-sitting gig, and I’ve never felt more New York. On Saturday night I watched—you guessed it—Saturday Night Live, hosted by Maya Rudolph. It was an exceptional episode and I was weeping with laughter through several of the sketches. Check this sh*t out, man! And a special shout out to the legendary Bowen Yang, who slayed on Weekend Update.
Yesterday was Trans Day of Visibility. In case I haven’t made myself clear, I’m non-binary! My current goal is to bring the highly f*ckable energy of a Keira Knightley/ Timothée hybrid (but with juicier butt cheeks) to the they/ them community. And I’m proud to announce I’ve succeeded in that regard!
I recently learned that Arkansas has become the first state to legally ban healthcare for trans youth. This is abhorrent and disgusting and not-at-all surprising, given we live in the United State of Hell (not the good hell that we saw from Lil Nas, the bad hell we’ve seen since the birth of this country from White Supremacists!) Please take a few minutes to call or email Arkansas Governor Asa Hutchinson and demand he veto bill HB 1570. Phone number: 501-682-2345. Email: asa.hutchinson@governor.arkansas.gov
Now, let’s pull a Shrek and peel back some layers to get to the real onion of it all.
The Ten Greatest Albums Of All Time
For a while now I’ve been bursting out laughing, completely alone, thinking about how funny it would be to write a list called ‘The Ten Greatest Albums of All Time.’ This tickles me because, obviously, there are thousands of brilliant albums that I’ve never even heard of that would probably change my life, and by calling this list ‘The Ten Greatest’ as opposed to ‘My Ten Favorite,’ which is what it really is, I will inherently be inviting outrage from the general global music-listening community, AKA everyone.
This list is mostly pop music, and the only voices on it belong to women (there is a male composer, but alas, he does not sing). What does that say about me? I’ll tell you before you tell me: when all is said and done, I’m a pretty basic faggot!
Obviously, there are some really tough exclusions. I limited the list to one album per artist. That being said, if you looked at my Spotify data and took into account my religion (Gagaism), you’d understand that while her whole discography is not technically on here, they are all my favorite albums ever and I’ll need to do a whole separate post digging into Stefani’s work.
I set out to write this thinking it would be a standalone post—however, I quickly realized I had more to say than would be easily digested in a single newsletter. So, I’ve divided the list into two parts, and am making it a sort of countdown-type endeavor.
Ok, enough preamble. Here are the Ten Greatest Albums of All Time, according to one extremely f*ckable they/ them.
10. ‘Phantom Thread’ (Original Motion Picture Soundtrack), Johnny Greenwood (2017)
My boyfriend Tom took me to see Phantom Thread early in our courtship. The movie is basically about a talented but extremely fussy, persnickety fashion designer who begins a romance with a brash young woman serving as his muse, of sorts. The girl craves more attention from the snobbish older gentleman. The designer wishes for peace of mind, and does not deign to entertain the whims of his childish counterpart. Tom and I couldn’t help but laugh at certain similarities between the onscreen couple we were watching and the real-life dynamic beginning to unfold between us. It hit a little too close to home.
We later saw the movie again with a live orchestra at the Brooklyn Academy of Music. That second viewing cemented the gorgeous, ethereal, majestic score in my heart forever. We began playing it in the background every night as we went to bed. It’s now so associated with falling asleep for me that I sometimes struggle to listen to it in the day—nevertheless, the melodramatic strings and piano have etched themselves into the folds of my faggy little brain, earning it a spot in the top ten albums of all time.
The whole score is ultimately, according to my ears, variations on a melodic theme, teasers leading up to the signature, grandiose showstopper, “House of Woodcock,” which transports the listener to a marble tower high in the clouds, dressed in powder blue taffeta, where one finds themselves waltzing with their true love as a single tear cascades down their cheek.
9. Lemonade, Beyoncé (2016)
I’m a little embarrassed on behalf of music history that so many of the greatest albums of all time have coincidentally been released in the past ten years. Crazy, huh? But that’s just how the six-inch-heeled boot fits, mister.
Lemonade is the masterwork of perhaps the most important artist ever to slip out of a human womb. Many talented critics have already unpacked this album’s genius: I defer to Hunter Harris’ writeup for Pitchfork. It’s a collection of work that tells a deeply personal story of infidelity, heartbreak, rage, and reconciliation, among other classic emotions.
In typical Babbling On fashion, the only thing I would add to the pantheon is my personal associations with this album. Lemonade came out in April of 2016, days before I returned to Boston from a stint in Los Angeles (where I lived in the childhood bedroom of InStyle celebrity Peyton Dix—hi, Alisha!) in order to graduate from Emerson College. I have a distinct memory of watching the Lemonade film in a living room in Somerville, surrounded by some of my best friends, crying as this chapter of my life came to a decisive close and I prepared to move to New York. The album was at the time only available on Tidal, and so I spent that summer listening to it on a pirated Google Drive file (ACAB), having to manually go into the app and play each new song as its predecessor ended. Those were the days, man.
OK, one more thing: the Grammy snub, in which Adele beat out Beyoncé for Album of the Year, remains perhaps the greatest atrocity of the modern pop culture era. No shade to Adele, whomst we love, but she had already won the same award for her previous (incredible) album, 21, and—haters, I relish in your loathing—25 was my least favorite project of hers, and does not even compare to Lemonade!! Shit, I think I just got a rage-induced nosebleed.
8. Blue, Joni Mitchell (1971)
Sure, drag me, I’m sure there are other Joni Mitchell albums worthy of this spot. But we’re going for the greatest albums ever, here, and when it comes to sheer masterpieces, Blue cannot be topped (she’s a power bottom, babe!)
If it hasn’t sunk in yet, most of my favorite albums fit into the genre of “female singer triggers extreme depressive episode.” Blue is no exception. This is the album with thee classics: “California,” “River,” “A Case Of You”.... I could just list every song, but I pride myself on not being an asshole. Allow catharsis to take hold of your neck and shake you until you’re weeping on the cold hard ground (“I Knew You Were Trouble” anyone?) Get in your Cadillac El Dorado and cruise through Laurel Canyon at sunset with your problematic ex, ‘cause bitch, this is Blue.
7. Chelsea Girl, Nico (1967)
This was an album I discovered at the beginning of quarantine. I subsequently spent the summer of 2020 sprawled on a towel on my roof in Greenpoint, slathered in nothing but SPF 15 and a thong, puffing away at a joint while Nico’s haunting drawl filled my ears.
Her somber, aching voice served as the soundtrack to my nude-taking. I subsequently learned her music is a favorite of Wes Anderson’s and Jack Antonoff’s, and felt vindicated in my late-breaking taste (joke’s on you, I do not have any!)
The album makes me feel like Gwenyth Paltrow’s character in The Royal Tenenbaums—I’m pretty sure “These Days” actually is part of the soundtrack to that film. Either way, if any of the following descriptors apply to you, I guarantee you will vibe hard: depressed, ugly, hot, bored, busty, frail, stoned, drunk, snobbish, salt-of-the-earth, moody, wearing-a-lot-of-eyeliner.
6. Who is Jill Scott? Words and Sounds, Vol. 1, Jill Scott (2000)
I’ll be the first to admit I’m unforgivably late to the Jill Scott train. I decided to check her out after hearing her mentioned on the podcast Still Processing, and listened to her first album, Who Is Jill Scott? Words and Sounds, Vol. 1 while on my way to Provincetown, Massachusetts to visit one of my old college sisters. I distinctly remember pressing play on the first track, “Jilltro,” while sitting on a wharf in downtown Boston, on a cold, foggy afternoon last April, waiting for the Ptown ferry to whisk me away from the land of khakis and drunk Irish people.
It felt like the wind had been knocked out of me. This is a concept album of the highest caliber, exploding with catchy hits while seamlessly telling a story and inviting the listener into the wonderful world of Jill.
“Do You Remember,” “A Long Walk,” “He Loves Me (Lyzel in E Flat),” “It’s Love,” “Love Rain,” and “Slowly Surely” are showstopping standouts for me, but while you can of course listen to any song here on its own, to hear each in the context of the greater body of work is truly breathtaking.
Months later, I sang “A Long Walk” at karaoke with friends after a day of intense mushrooms at an Air BnB upstate. Can we pull the clip? (It’s the fourth slide). Suffice to say the power of Ms. Scott left me writhing on the floor in a gold feathered minidress, reaching unsuccessfully for a high B sharp. If I had a nickel.
Stay tuned for the final 5 albums, coming next week!
Some Non-Exhaustive Honorable Mentions:
No Shape, Perfume Genius (2017)
This album is like walking through a thunderstorm barefoot in summer.
Channel Orange, Frank Ocean (2012)
I guess gay people can be cool, after all.
Ella and Louis for Lovers, Ella Fitzgerald and Louis Armstrong (2005)
Poor some chilled red wine, light a candle, and hop in a bubble bath to enjoy this compilation album properly—please note that while this collection was released in 2005, the songs were recorded much earlier than that!
Tapestry, Carole King (1971)
I just bought this for my best friend Talia on vinyl—can you say the same?
Elephunk, Black Eyed Peas (2003)
My dad played this in the car all the time growing up, and for good reason.
‘Jackie’ (Original Motion Picture Soundtrack), Mica Levi (2016)
I find this to be great music to write to, or to stare out the window wistfully for three hours, imagining what could have been.
Sticky Fingers, Rolling Stones (1971)
“Wild Horses” is the soulful star, but “You Gotta Move” is just as electric. Damn, 1971 was a really good year for music, huh?
Animal + Cannibal (Deluxe Edition), Kesha (2010)
“We R Who We R” —Psalms 3:17
Baez Sings Dylan, Joan Baez (1998)
Her cover of “Don’t Think Twice, It’s All Right” sent me into a spiral I still have not emerged from.
Treats, Sleigh Bells (2010)
Emma Watson in “The Bling Ring.” Did someone ask about a dream blunt rotation?
Currents, Tame Impala (2015)
The male species has done one thing right since the dawn of time, and that’s this album right here.
A Seat At The Table, Solange (2016)
This really should have been in the top ten, but I remembered it right before publication and had to panic add it here.
Anti, Rihanna (2016)
I went back into this post and added this. It should be in the top ten. I have no words.
I would like to issue a formal notes-app apology to the artists and albums extremely deserving of spots in this universe that are not listed. I decided I need to cut myself off before the list began to lose its meaning. The truth is, it’s my musical ignorance that has led to such notable omissions as, say, Britney Spears and Florence + The Machine. The gritty underbelly to all of this is I’m just not familiar enough with the deep cuts of these wonderful legends’ discographies to make an educated choice about which album to include. I’m sorry to this man.
That said, I would like to formally take back any and all apologies I’ve made in this post—channeling the Rihanna album title Unapologetic, which, sadly, did not make the list. I love Anti so much, babe!